Jumbled thoughts, put to words.

 I was scrolling through old posts, just sort of reminiscing.  Man, there is a lot there.  I often wonder where some of the thoughts I have come from, as they are somewhat random, or sometimes more specific.  Or really just the current thought process when I happen to be seated in front of the keyboard.  

Like this morning.  I'm sipping a little coffee.  I'm procrastinating the dishes.  I need to pull out the Christmas decorations so Kitten and I can do some decorating this afternoon.  

But instead of any chores, I'm just gonna put out a few feelings I think I need to put to words.  

First, I'm am terribly aware that I tend to bottleneck my own emotions at times.  And it causes me more grief than I can actually account for.  Its a flaw of mine, one I'm aware of, and one that I think I am completely incapable of getting past.  Perhaps, placing some of that here will help sort it out for me.  

So, with that said, I'm gonna get a little raw here (at least in terms of my own honesty with myself).  

Lets begin with my loves in life.  

Kitten and EB.  Those are easy ones, and I don't feel like I need to spend much time on the idea of emotion here.  The age gap between the two is rather large, but that's OK.  As siblings, they get along great and there is a true love between them.  As a dad, I couldn't ask for more.  

EB himself is something of a miracle.  He spent a lot of time growing up in different places, as a result of his step-father being in the military.  I can't imagine that is easy, changing schools, losing old friends and making new ones.  The fact that he's turned out so decent really is great, and I am grateful.  

Kitten does just fine too.  She's prefect really.  And I'm fully aware that I am probably over biased, and blind to any faults she has.  And I'm a terrible pushover.  And she knows it.  But I also think she knows her limits, or at least is learning them.  So I'll take that as win for sure.  

Skates.  Here is the real meat of this monologue.  I wish, i could be telling myself a tale of happily walking hand in hand down a country road toward the sunset.  But it's not quite like that.  I suppose I shouldn't make it sound quite so dramatic.  Or anyone here who might stumble across this will think I'm setting up some sort of dramatic ending to a long book or film.  No, that's clearly not the case here.  

What I am doing, though, is facing the holidays, one in the recent past, one in the near future, and wondering if I will spend it without her yet again.  

I think to myself, that a person shouldn't have to wonder that.  But, I do.  This person.  Me.  I'm mostly grateful that Kitten's age allows her to be generally oblivious to my moods as they are some times.  It can be a roller coaster, for sure.  Some days are way up, some days are way down, and often it feels the trip between such differences is short and lightning fast.  

I'm fairly certain I'm a simple creature in terms of what I need or want.  Some things, I am very certain of, I'm a little to a lot more complex.  

A huge smile comes across my face when with just a picture.  Or even just a, "Hi, I miss you".  Its an insanely simple game changer.  Phone calls or Polo messages are even more of a boon.  And the occasional Facetime allows for both audible and visual at the same time.   

Then of course, there is the huge amounts of time in between each and any of these.  Phone calls are minimal.  And I feel right now I'm not capable of reaching out and calling.  Which is really its own issue all together.  But I don't feel like delving into that right this moment.  Its a long standing block of my own making that I have developed and probably inadvertently nurtured.  But anyway, I shall continue.  

The physical distance between us as a couple is literally 20 minutes.  Probably less if I don't get lost on the hill to her house (I did that last time, and its really not that difficult but I somehow managed it anyway).  The emotional distance, though, feels far more than 100s of miles.  

She has her own things to sort out, though, and I fully realize this.  There is a huge difference in us though, right this moment.  Before, we shared everything.  Now it feels like only random updates, like the recap of last weeks episode of my favorite show.  Not enough to feel fully involved, just enough to get the general idea.  I should of course, be happy with whatever I get right now.  

But I miss her.  Its terrible how much at times.  I do try to manage it of course, but I'm not always successful.  And as the holiday is looming ahead, I don't even know if I will see her at all until next year sometime. I don't know a lot about anything I guess.  I feel in limbo.  I feel a little lost.  Its an odd sort of feeling really.  

Today, I faced with setting up Christmas decorations.  Which I will do of course, or Kitten will be rather sad and not happy with me.  But there is an underlying sadness to it for me.  

I'm not able to see my parents this year for Christmas, which is understandable given the state of the world at the moment.  I won't see EB for various, but understandable reasons as well.  And the one other person, whom I desperately want to see, I have no idea about.  I remember last Christmas, The words were said, "Next Christmas, I promise."  I've tried not to remember those words so clearly, but I can't help myself.  They are burned in my memory.  If I had never heard them, or if I was able to forget them, I would be either be pleasantly surprised if Christmas together happened, or simply wouldn't feel anything different because I never expected it anyway.

ITs a funny thing really, I wish I could say things would be one or another.  That would be plainly easier.  Once I know what to expect, I can generally cope with things much better.  The unknown, though, is hard for me.  My own mind jumbles around all over itself.  And often seems to make mountains out of molehills, or perhaps out of nothing at all.  Its irritating really.  But I've never managed to find any sort of way to stop myself from dwelling on things too much and again, bottlenecking my own self and getting all plugged up.  

At any rate, this is about as much as I think I can put out right now. Its probably a little random in its presentation, but I don't feel like editing at all.  ITs simply my self, in a typed format.  A little jumbled, but sincere none the less.   

Eating out and the Sin of Gluttony

 Convenience can often equal gluttony.  

This comes in many forms.  On line ordering of needed (or often wanted) products is quick and easy, and usually based on impulse rather than any sort foresight.  

Digital media is only a few clicks away, and gratification is pretty much instant.  

But right this moment, I'm talking about food.  Glorious food, prepared and hot and delivered directly to my door.  

This might be one of the best things to emerge from the pandemic and how it has affected the world and the life I live.  In most cases, the whole pandemic and ensuing lockdowns and restrictions placed on societal norms has little affect on me.  I'm kind of a solitary creature, some might even say a curmudgeon.  So the idea that social gatherings have been restricted is not exactly limiting to me.  And lets face it, I hope like hell they go back to only letting so many people into a grocery at a time.  Shopping like that is absolutely amazing.

But pre-covid, the options for food delivery were fairly limited.  The bigger cities of the world have been enjoying food delivery for a long time.  But, here on the north coast it has been limited to very few options.  But not that delivery is pretty much expected, and really a necessity for a small business to survive, its truly a benefit to me.  

Take tonight for example.  What to eat.  I don't want anything specifically.  Some things always sound good.  Pizza?  Always.  Something with french fries on the side?  Oh yes.  But sometime that just feels gluttonous.  Do I need something so savory and salty in my gut?  I mean, lets face it, it wouldn't hurt me to gain a few pounds.  I'm skinny, and probably overly so.  My eating habits are deplorable. 

Lets look at my breakfast:  Coffee.  Double Stuff Golden Oreos.  That is not exactly healthy.  But really, if you haven't dipped a golden Oreo in coffee, you absolutely must.  Its sooooooooo delicious.  

But anyway, back to dinner, and the great ordering dilemma I'm facing.  

Tonight, we are talking about subway sandwiches.  Which is not anything fancy, that's for sure.  But it sure is plenty tasty.  And the pastrami.  I don't know how pastrami is graded in terms of quality.  But I'm guessing Subway doesn't spring for the high quality.  But it's oh so good.  With pepper jack and banana peppers.   My mouth literally watered just thinking about it.  

I often sit down to a sandwich, thinking I'll eat half now, and half later.  And then, somehow, the whole thing is gone.  And I eat fast.  So its barely eating.  Its mostly consuming.  The only thing I tend to eat slower is chicken wings, and I believe that is purely a circumstance of them being messy, and that typically wings involve another person.  So its a social dinner.  

But when I am alone, there isn't a lot of talking.  Sometimes, I'll find Ive gon e most of the day without vocalizing a single word.  Its an odd realization when it occurs, but it sure does and strikes me odd every time.  I would think I would be used to it by now.  

Anyway, with that said, this rambling has gone on long enough, and is rather pointless aside from simply putting some of my thoughts to written word for my own benefit. 

Mind clutter.

 The amount of time I have spent lately thinking about running far outweighs the actual amount of time I have actually spent running.  Its a bit of a frustrating thing, really.  If we rewind just a scant 18 months ago, I was hitting double digits daily getting prepped for the Nanny Goat.  Since then, it has been a real hit or miss type of relationship with my motivation and work and life all seeming to get in the way of something I find I truly enjoy and love.  

It sucks, often, when I make excuses for not going.  Really, they are lame.  I have ample time.  It is kind of ridiculous how much time I have.  And even more ridiculous when I think about how much of that I waste by sitting around doing nothing.  

A good run, for me, is amazing for clearing the mind of clutter.  And I think, at times, I allow my mind to clutter up too easily.  I don't know what the root cause of this is.  Aside from what I know to be a problem:  over thinking.  

I'm a dweller on things.  I over think them to worst extent, I even create stupid and unreasonable reasoning behind my own over dwelt issues.  It is a vicious cycle.  One that has always been a problem for me.  When I discovered my love of the run, one of the side benefits was the mind clearing.  Often, this would occur somewhere mid-run, and last for quite some time after.  And as the running became more regular, the clutter was mostly gone, and left me feeling refreshed and clear.  

I don't think I noticed this right away.  but since I have, its become a rather important piece of my own well being.  And I extoll the virtues of the run to others, and encourage them to seek this on their own.  Yet for quite a while now, I have been neglecting me.

When it comes to well being, I know for a fact I have to be selfish.  I need to take that time.  I need to make a point addressing my own needs ahead of others.  There is nothing wrong with this. If I focus on me, all others will benefit from this.  A clear mind and better attitude will always have a positive effect on those that I am close to, and my relationships will be better for it.  

I'm feeling good today, and I plan to ride that out for a while.  Hopefully, for a long time to come.  I may be older these days, but I'm certainly not dead, and I need to get out more and live like those who love me expect me to.  In return, I can love them better.  

Although I do feel like I am getting off topic a bit.  But the end result is this:  I can be better.  Always.  Most times I feel like I am pretty good overall.  But then there are times when I know something is missing.  Then the cyclical thought process begins, and I tumble over ideas and allusions that compound on themselves, and I simply need to break that cycle.  

A good run, even just a three miler like today, makes all the difference in the world. I'm on a bit of a high right now.  I need to keep that going.   

Just a little random thought.

I had forgotten how much I love a computer.

I had a lap top.  I still do.  It collects dust.  I has much of the lifespan for which I have owned it.  

It just doesn't seem comfortable to use.  I just can't seem to get the feel of it sitting in my lap as "natural".  I feels awkward.  further, I have always looked for what I feel is the best "bang for my buck" deal when it comes to buying a computer.  

Computers have always held something of a special place in my heart.  I enjoy them.  From the net, to games, to watching movies.  IT really doesn't matter, I like them for what they are and can do.  

I remember when my father bought our desktop computer, circa 1992.  It was an IBM clone, as they were called back then.  It had Windows 3.1.  It had a monitor that was nowhere near the size or resolution of the one I am currently using now.  It used a 3.5 inch floppy AND and a 5.2 as well.  That seemed a luxury at the time.  But the state of floppy disks was changing then.  I suppose it was sort of like when VHS and Betamax were a thing.  One was gonna win. But overall, I think the 3.5" was more an evolution than an attempt to change the standard.  

Back then, I still remember buying and unwrapping the disks for my new game, Star Wars: X-Wing.  Quite possibly one of my most favorite games of all time.  I'm not even sure if it was really that good, but damn, I loved playing it.  I must have played it through to it's conclusion more than a dozen times.  The graphics were pixelated in the most glorious way.  My joy stick, a simple thing with a few extra trigger buttons, was the most amazing gaming device I had ever used.  It was digital heaven amplified by two little tiny desktop speakers that seemed like beasts pumping out the sound of proton torpedos and tie fighters exploding in the darkness of space.  And I was in it.  

What a difference we have now.  My monitor is massive, and displays at 2K resolution.  My desktop speakers are made by Bose and sound pretty damned awesome.  And Of course there is the internet, blazing fast generally integrated into nearly every facet of life.  

I remember when I would constantly get yelled at because mom needed the phone, so I had to get off of AOL.  

Nothing like that these days.  Hell, I don't even have a home phone.  

My little will never understand these things.  She gets confused when her iPod won't load up YouTube because we are in the car (never mind the fact I can use my own phone as a hot spot for that, which I often do for her).  

I don't know how people live off the grid.  Skates did that for a while.  She has told me about it.  It seems completely foreign to me in its idea.  to those people who have done it, my hat is off to you.  I'm too connected.  Which I don't mind.  Its simply who I am and what I do.

I certainly don't complain. I have my creature comforts and I am unashamed of loving them.  They are a simple part of my life.  Kind of like the pot of coffee in the morning.  It just is what it is.  

With that said, I'm gonna go play a game. With the volume up.  And loving it.