Jumbled thoughts, put to words.

 I was scrolling through old posts, just sort of reminiscing.  Man, there is a lot there.  I often wonder where some of the thoughts I have come from, as they are somewhat random, or sometimes more specific.  Or really just the current thought process when I happen to be seated in front of the keyboard.  

Like this morning.  I'm sipping a little coffee.  I'm procrastinating the dishes.  I need to pull out the Christmas decorations so Kitten and I can do some decorating this afternoon.  

But instead of any chores, I'm just gonna put out a few feelings I think I need to put to words.  

First, I'm am terribly aware that I tend to bottleneck my own emotions at times.  And it causes me more grief than I can actually account for.  Its a flaw of mine, one I'm aware of, and one that I think I am completely incapable of getting past.  Perhaps, placing some of that here will help sort it out for me.  

So, with that said, I'm gonna get a little raw here (at least in terms of my own honesty with myself).  

Lets begin with my loves in life.  

Kitten and EB.  Those are easy ones, and I don't feel like I need to spend much time on the idea of emotion here.  The age gap between the two is rather large, but that's OK.  As siblings, they get along great and there is a true love between them.  As a dad, I couldn't ask for more.  

EB himself is something of a miracle.  He spent a lot of time growing up in different places, as a result of his step-father being in the military.  I can't imagine that is easy, changing schools, losing old friends and making new ones.  The fact that he's turned out so decent really is great, and I am grateful.  

Kitten does just fine too.  She's prefect really.  And I'm fully aware that I am probably over biased, and blind to any faults she has.  And I'm a terrible pushover.  And she knows it.  But I also think she knows her limits, or at least is learning them.  So I'll take that as win for sure.  

Skates.  Here is the real meat of this monologue.  I wish, i could be telling myself a tale of happily walking hand in hand down a country road toward the sunset.  But it's not quite like that.  I suppose I shouldn't make it sound quite so dramatic.  Or anyone here who might stumble across this will think I'm setting up some sort of dramatic ending to a long book or film.  No, that's clearly not the case here.  

What I am doing, though, is facing the holidays, one in the recent past, one in the near future, and wondering if I will spend it without her yet again.  

I think to myself, that a person shouldn't have to wonder that.  But, I do.  This person.  Me.  I'm mostly grateful that Kitten's age allows her to be generally oblivious to my moods as they are some times.  It can be a roller coaster, for sure.  Some days are way up, some days are way down, and often it feels the trip between such differences is short and lightning fast.  

I'm fairly certain I'm a simple creature in terms of what I need or want.  Some things, I am very certain of, I'm a little to a lot more complex.  

A huge smile comes across my face when with just a picture.  Or even just a, "Hi, I miss you".  Its an insanely simple game changer.  Phone calls or Polo messages are even more of a boon.  And the occasional Facetime allows for both audible and visual at the same time.   

Then of course, there is the huge amounts of time in between each and any of these.  Phone calls are minimal.  And I feel right now I'm not capable of reaching out and calling.  Which is really its own issue all together.  But I don't feel like delving into that right this moment.  Its a long standing block of my own making that I have developed and probably inadvertently nurtured.  But anyway, I shall continue.  

The physical distance between us as a couple is literally 20 minutes.  Probably less if I don't get lost on the hill to her house (I did that last time, and its really not that difficult but I somehow managed it anyway).  The emotional distance, though, feels far more than 100s of miles.  

She has her own things to sort out, though, and I fully realize this.  There is a huge difference in us though, right this moment.  Before, we shared everything.  Now it feels like only random updates, like the recap of last weeks episode of my favorite show.  Not enough to feel fully involved, just enough to get the general idea.  I should of course, be happy with whatever I get right now.  

But I miss her.  Its terrible how much at times.  I do try to manage it of course, but I'm not always successful.  And as the holiday is looming ahead, I don't even know if I will see her at all until next year sometime. I don't know a lot about anything I guess.  I feel in limbo.  I feel a little lost.  Its an odd sort of feeling really.  

Today, I faced with setting up Christmas decorations.  Which I will do of course, or Kitten will be rather sad and not happy with me.  But there is an underlying sadness to it for me.  

I'm not able to see my parents this year for Christmas, which is understandable given the state of the world at the moment.  I won't see EB for various, but understandable reasons as well.  And the one other person, whom I desperately want to see, I have no idea about.  I remember last Christmas, The words were said, "Next Christmas, I promise."  I've tried not to remember those words so clearly, but I can't help myself.  They are burned in my memory.  If I had never heard them, or if I was able to forget them, I would be either be pleasantly surprised if Christmas together happened, or simply wouldn't feel anything different because I never expected it anyway.

ITs a funny thing really, I wish I could say things would be one or another.  That would be plainly easier.  Once I know what to expect, I can generally cope with things much better.  The unknown, though, is hard for me.  My own mind jumbles around all over itself.  And often seems to make mountains out of molehills, or perhaps out of nothing at all.  Its irritating really.  But I've never managed to find any sort of way to stop myself from dwelling on things too much and again, bottlenecking my own self and getting all plugged up.  

At any rate, this is about as much as I think I can put out right now. Its probably a little random in its presentation, but I don't feel like editing at all.  ITs simply my self, in a typed format.  A little jumbled, but sincere none the less.   

Eating out and the Sin of Gluttony

 Convenience can often equal gluttony.  

This comes in many forms.  On line ordering of needed (or often wanted) products is quick and easy, and usually based on impulse rather than any sort foresight.  

Digital media is only a few clicks away, and gratification is pretty much instant.  

But right this moment, I'm talking about food.  Glorious food, prepared and hot and delivered directly to my door.  

This might be one of the best things to emerge from the pandemic and how it has affected the world and the life I live.  In most cases, the whole pandemic and ensuing lockdowns and restrictions placed on societal norms has little affect on me.  I'm kind of a solitary creature, some might even say a curmudgeon.  So the idea that social gatherings have been restricted is not exactly limiting to me.  And lets face it, I hope like hell they go back to only letting so many people into a grocery at a time.  Shopping like that is absolutely amazing.

But pre-covid, the options for food delivery were fairly limited.  The bigger cities of the world have been enjoying food delivery for a long time.  But, here on the north coast it has been limited to very few options.  But not that delivery is pretty much expected, and really a necessity for a small business to survive, its truly a benefit to me.  

Take tonight for example.  What to eat.  I don't want anything specifically.  Some things always sound good.  Pizza?  Always.  Something with french fries on the side?  Oh yes.  But sometime that just feels gluttonous.  Do I need something so savory and salty in my gut?  I mean, lets face it, it wouldn't hurt me to gain a few pounds.  I'm skinny, and probably overly so.  My eating habits are deplorable. 

Lets look at my breakfast:  Coffee.  Double Stuff Golden Oreos.  That is not exactly healthy.  But really, if you haven't dipped a golden Oreo in coffee, you absolutely must.  Its sooooooooo delicious.  

But anyway, back to dinner, and the great ordering dilemma I'm facing.  

Tonight, we are talking about subway sandwiches.  Which is not anything fancy, that's for sure.  But it sure is plenty tasty.  And the pastrami.  I don't know how pastrami is graded in terms of quality.  But I'm guessing Subway doesn't spring for the high quality.  But it's oh so good.  With pepper jack and banana peppers.   My mouth literally watered just thinking about it.  

I often sit down to a sandwich, thinking I'll eat half now, and half later.  And then, somehow, the whole thing is gone.  And I eat fast.  So its barely eating.  Its mostly consuming.  The only thing I tend to eat slower is chicken wings, and I believe that is purely a circumstance of them being messy, and that typically wings involve another person.  So its a social dinner.  

But when I am alone, there isn't a lot of talking.  Sometimes, I'll find Ive gon e most of the day without vocalizing a single word.  Its an odd realization when it occurs, but it sure does and strikes me odd every time.  I would think I would be used to it by now.  

Anyway, with that said, this rambling has gone on long enough, and is rather pointless aside from simply putting some of my thoughts to written word for my own benefit. 

Mind clutter.

 The amount of time I have spent lately thinking about running far outweighs the actual amount of time I have actually spent running.  Its a bit of a frustrating thing, really.  If we rewind just a scant 18 months ago, I was hitting double digits daily getting prepped for the Nanny Goat.  Since then, it has been a real hit or miss type of relationship with my motivation and work and life all seeming to get in the way of something I find I truly enjoy and love.  

It sucks, often, when I make excuses for not going.  Really, they are lame.  I have ample time.  It is kind of ridiculous how much time I have.  And even more ridiculous when I think about how much of that I waste by sitting around doing nothing.  

A good run, for me, is amazing for clearing the mind of clutter.  And I think, at times, I allow my mind to clutter up too easily.  I don't know what the root cause of this is.  Aside from what I know to be a problem:  over thinking.  

I'm a dweller on things.  I over think them to worst extent, I even create stupid and unreasonable reasoning behind my own over dwelt issues.  It is a vicious cycle.  One that has always been a problem for me.  When I discovered my love of the run, one of the side benefits was the mind clearing.  Often, this would occur somewhere mid-run, and last for quite some time after.  And as the running became more regular, the clutter was mostly gone, and left me feeling refreshed and clear.  

I don't think I noticed this right away.  but since I have, its become a rather important piece of my own well being.  And I extoll the virtues of the run to others, and encourage them to seek this on their own.  Yet for quite a while now, I have been neglecting me.

When it comes to well being, I know for a fact I have to be selfish.  I need to take that time.  I need to make a point addressing my own needs ahead of others.  There is nothing wrong with this. If I focus on me, all others will benefit from this.  A clear mind and better attitude will always have a positive effect on those that I am close to, and my relationships will be better for it.  

I'm feeling good today, and I plan to ride that out for a while.  Hopefully, for a long time to come.  I may be older these days, but I'm certainly not dead, and I need to get out more and live like those who love me expect me to.  In return, I can love them better.  

Although I do feel like I am getting off topic a bit.  But the end result is this:  I can be better.  Always.  Most times I feel like I am pretty good overall.  But then there are times when I know something is missing.  Then the cyclical thought process begins, and I tumble over ideas and allusions that compound on themselves, and I simply need to break that cycle.  

A good run, even just a three miler like today, makes all the difference in the world. I'm on a bit of a high right now.  I need to keep that going.   

Just a little random thought.

I had forgotten how much I love a computer.

I had a lap top.  I still do.  It collects dust.  I has much of the lifespan for which I have owned it.  

It just doesn't seem comfortable to use.  I just can't seem to get the feel of it sitting in my lap as "natural".  I feels awkward.  further, I have always looked for what I feel is the best "bang for my buck" deal when it comes to buying a computer.  

Computers have always held something of a special place in my heart.  I enjoy them.  From the net, to games, to watching movies.  IT really doesn't matter, I like them for what they are and can do.  

I remember when my father bought our desktop computer, circa 1992.  It was an IBM clone, as they were called back then.  It had Windows 3.1.  It had a monitor that was nowhere near the size or resolution of the one I am currently using now.  It used a 3.5 inch floppy AND and a 5.2 as well.  That seemed a luxury at the time.  But the state of floppy disks was changing then.  I suppose it was sort of like when VHS and Betamax were a thing.  One was gonna win. But overall, I think the 3.5" was more an evolution than an attempt to change the standard.  

Back then, I still remember buying and unwrapping the disks for my new game, Star Wars: X-Wing.  Quite possibly one of my most favorite games of all time.  I'm not even sure if it was really that good, but damn, I loved playing it.  I must have played it through to it's conclusion more than a dozen times.  The graphics were pixelated in the most glorious way.  My joy stick, a simple thing with a few extra trigger buttons, was the most amazing gaming device I had ever used.  It was digital heaven amplified by two little tiny desktop speakers that seemed like beasts pumping out the sound of proton torpedos and tie fighters exploding in the darkness of space.  And I was in it.  

What a difference we have now.  My monitor is massive, and displays at 2K resolution.  My desktop speakers are made by Bose and sound pretty damned awesome.  And Of course there is the internet, blazing fast generally integrated into nearly every facet of life.  

I remember when I would constantly get yelled at because mom needed the phone, so I had to get off of AOL.  

Nothing like that these days.  Hell, I don't even have a home phone.  

My little will never understand these things.  She gets confused when her iPod won't load up YouTube because we are in the car (never mind the fact I can use my own phone as a hot spot for that, which I often do for her).  

I don't know how people live off the grid.  Skates did that for a while.  She has told me about it.  It seems completely foreign to me in its idea.  to those people who have done it, my hat is off to you.  I'm too connected.  Which I don't mind.  Its simply who I am and what I do.

I certainly don't complain. I have my creature comforts and I am unashamed of loving them.  They are a simple part of my life.  Kind of like the pot of coffee in the morning.  It just is what it is.  

With that said, I'm gonna go play a game. With the volume up.  And loving it.  

Snow Day and the Delayed Long Run

Its a bit hard to imagine, but having 2 separate 3 day weekends in a row has left me with less time to run.  And I am, admittedly, a little on the frustrated side for no real good reason.  

So here we go with the details.  

Firstly we should recognize I love spreadsheets.  Excel is typically the one I use as my general computing needs are done through Windows.  I have also started using Numbers (Apple's version) which is nearly identical in its functions, and has the added bonus of being cloud based and on my iPhone.  And its all about the mileage, baby.  

I have been keeping careful track of my mileage I'm putting in as I get ready for the Nanny Goat 100.  The preparation I'm putting into this is no joke.  Lots and lots of miles.  I certainly benefit from the having a visual accounting of my mileage accomplishments, and in turn my mileage deficiencies.  This is something of a double edged sword as I then have a tendency to get wrapped up in the numbers and lose sight of the fact life can often get in the way, and sometimes working around life isn't an option, and that's really OK.  Its not going to derail all the hard work I've put in thus far.  If anything, it will provide a small opportunity for my legs to not be so tired.  Which is a total bonus as far as I am concerned.  

And so here I am, I had a three day weekend, and I didn't even manage to squeeze in a long run. To say "squeeze in" makes it sound like a long run is a simple thing.  In fact, its not.  There is a certain amount of preparation needed.  I need to make sure I have snacks.  I need to have something of a route planned out.  I need to make sure I have the time.  a 4 hour (or longer) commitment to a run is not like a quick 5 miler after work.  Nor is like the idea of running 13 miles.  Which often constitutes a long run in many running schedules.  I do not say this to brag of course, nor to rub it in to anyone at all.  This is simply my life right now, and how my schedule works.  I work.  I spend time with the kitten.  I run.  For some engagements I simply have to make time.   

Case in point, this weekend is a three day weekend.  So i took the Kitten to the snow.  My little snow kitten had fun up to a point (she's not even 5, and such outings have their limitations on the fun factor).  Really, it was not a lack of fun being had, it was a lack of warmth.  When its 24 degrees out its easy to be cold and forget the fun part.  As an adult I can generally see past the discomfort when fun is involved.  As a not-quite-5-year-old the kitten was unable to do this.  As such, after about an hour there she promptly stood up from nearly waist deep powder snow and said, "lets go back to the truck."  

For an hour we made silly snowballs (the snow was pretty dry, and making a real snowball was not exactly easy, not to mention a snowman, which was part of her grand plan!!!). And we dodges crazed sledders.   and we generally didn't care about the fact it was 8 degrees below freezing.  And then in a sudden and swift moment, the fun was over and cold took over.  In three simple pictures, I shall sum up the snow trip to Horse Mountain.  One the way, mid fun, and on the way home:

Little kittens who are cold warm up quickly, and always love a little Pringles snack.  And of course, cold little kittens appreciate a warm and dry hat after a snow day.  

And what does this have to do with running and mileage?  Well, in this particular case it has to do with skipping the long run in favor of my little kitten having a snow day.  But the double edged sword of my visual accounting of mileage then got my head wrapped around the idea I was behind in my training and prep.  

This is, of course, completely silly and ridiculous (the bad ridiculous, not the good ridiculous; I have learned through experience when using the word "ridiculous" it is of paramount importance to make sure and clarify the context of the word).    

I'm in prime condition.  I'm testing my limits on a weekly basis.  My frame of mind is so different that the idea of signing up for an organized marathon has nothing to do with anything other than it fits nicely into my training schedule.  

So, with all these things in mind, with a weekend of somewhat rest and leisurely activities, I'm looking forward to this weeks full test of endurance and mental fortitude!! 

Depth of Failed.... Err, Field

Bokeh.  

I wasn't sure where this terminology came from, so I looked it up.  Wikipedia is amazing for these types of inquiries.  As it turns out, this is a Japanese word.  And refers to how a camera catches depth of field and deliberately puts one portion of the photo into sharp focus and the rest in a blur.  

I knew the general definition, I was unsure of the origin.  Now having been educated, lets get to my failure.  In order to do that, I need to put in a little back story (cause there aren't too many stories that can be truly appreciated without the proper backstory).  

I am going to call myself a Novice Photographer.  I have a camera.  I have a kit lens, specifically an 18-55mm lens for my Nikon.  I totally love my camera.  And we are getting to know each other as time allows, or as I make time.  The latter seems to be the case most often.  

I do love close up shots of various things, and often find myself gravitating towards these types of shots.  And of course, there is the Kitten.  She is also something of a focus for me (see what I did there?).   

So that has been my general point of interest when looking up the various settings and how to achieve the desired affects I'm aiming to achieve.  

With all the settings on the camera, is easy to be overwhelmed by them.  YouTube is by far my greatest mentor here.  I have burned a lot of time studying Aperture on YouTube.  And as I am finding out:  It's not that tough to understand the settings, and in my case specifically the Aperture Priority setting (I have not yet delved into full Manual Mode).  

So back to Bokeh.  My eventual goal is to get the Kitten out and do some good shots, both portraits and some "on the fly" of her just being a Kitten.  So I have been randomly practicing.  And in general feeling like I am getting the hang of things.  And there I was at work, needing to take photos of two potential new hires.  And I get this great idea.....

What if I put the agency logo on the big screen and then get a photo of the guys with the bokeh effect.  They would be in sharp focus the agency logo would be softly blurred (but obviously recognizable) behind them.  This idea had me excited.  And I kinda thought it would look freaking awesome.  

So I got it set up.  Meanwhile, the guys were at one appointment, which was running over the scheduled time, and at that point late for the next appointment.  We rushed to the late appointment when they finally arrived, and at the conclusion manage to go over the last bits of info.  

And then we went to the setting I had prepared.  And here is where I failed.  

It felt like I had the setting right.  And the general lighting was perhaps a bit dark, but still acceptable.  But I left camera on Manual Focus (MF) as opposed to Auto Focus (AF).  This was a huge mistake.  But not my worst.  The worst mistake, and an obviously rookie move, was taking only one picture of each guy.  

Wait, what??  Yeah, only one picture.  And yeah, they were both poorly focused.   And my ISO was too low.  So blurry (Bad Bokeh) and dark.  Ugh.  Why on earth did I not take advantage of the auto-focus?  Somehow, in my haste to be done with that part of the day, I had it in my head I needed to have it in MF when using one of the priority modes (which is utterly false!!!).  Further, I apparently didn't feel the need to review my handy work.  

And thus, 2 blurry photos.  Bad blurry.  Not the good blurry I was looking for.  

And now for what is even worse:  these 2 fellows were from out of town.  And I sent them packing.  And now I am left empty handed.  

And feeling foolish.  Let's just count this as a lesson learned.  

I crashed through a well and yelled, "Oh Yeah!!!"

I hit the wall.  Mostly just mentally.   But it was a pretty good wreck.  But I rallied by way of morale support.  

Let me explain. And be forewarned, there is a fair amount of truth to this tale, and a fair amount of embellishment (because sometimes the truth isn't as entertaining all on it's own).  

A 20 mile run is no joke.  That's a big un!  I'm certainly up to the task, of course.  But there are still some mental issues that go along with such an undertaking.  

It used to be I would prep (both mentally and in all other areas) for a week or more for this length of a run.  I'd pour over my various run routes I like, I'd spend inordinate amounts of time thinking about snacks and hydration and what I'm going to wear and on and on.  

Yesterday's long run was planned as such:  

• I stopped by the store and picked up various snacks.
• I mapped out a route I had been thinking about (looping around Humboldt Bay) which took about 2 minutes.  
• I figured what time of day I was going to go.  
• And I went.  

I knew I was in for about 3.5 hours of time.  I was OK with this.  I had it all figured out in the course of an afternoon.  The actual look is about 20.2 miles, give or take a 100th or two based on variations in the road, staying to inside corners, and such like that.  

The change in preparing for such an undertaking is a new part of this process I am in, getting ready for 24+ hours of running.  What hasn't changed is the simple giddiness I get as I'm more and more excited about these long runs.  

The first 12 miles of this look are actually pretty easy.  Some gentle rolling hills which wind through the area that skirts the bay and the foothills (if we actually have foothills; that term might apply more to my former life living in the Sacramento Valley).  

So the first 12 miles are scenic and winding and provide a fair amount of variety which makes the time go by at a reasonable clip.  Here are some examples is the first 12:

Yeah, its safe to say, I was loving the first 12 miles.  

But then, there is Highway 255.  Which looks like this:

This IS Highway 255, just on the west side of Arcata.  From this point, its about 8 miles to the finish line.  

Its pretty safe to say my general outlook changed a little here.  

This reminds me of the many trips to SoCal which we took when I was a kid.  We always took the back roads from Vacaville through Rio Vista and eventually got onto to Highway 5.   After the windy hilly roads came the forever interstate.  It was so straight and so flat it literally just disappeared into the horizon.  And thanks to the beauty of perspective, despite traveling at 70+ mph, those things in the distance so far away never seemed to get any closer  

And so it was with the bridges over Humboldt Bay.  I saw them.  They seemed a fair ways off.  And yet, they never seemed to get any closer.  And in my mind, I crumbled a bit.  I "hit the wall".  I "bonked".  I "crashed".  I was suddenly demoralized.  The final distance from that point was less than 4 miles.  Child's play in comparison. I could eat a 4 mile run for breakfast.  But suddenly that distance seemed insurmountable.  I might as well have been been staring at the foot of Kilimanjaro.  My legs were still moving, but mostly out of sheer will.  On top of this crash, I was not specifically getting a tail wind.  More of a cross wind.  Which isn't as bad as a headwind, but actually seemed more annoying.  Anyway, for a few moments, I lost my will to fight.  Yet I persevered.  I kept my legs moving, and breathing steady, and I just kept going.  

As a side note, its always good to have a support crew, even if they can't be on every run.  But sometimes the voice in the ear saying "Keep running!" is magical, and can bounce any person back from the brink of despair.  Even when the voice is saying things you already know, even when the voice is saying things you know make sense.  Sometimes you just need to hear it from a source outside your own head.  

IT was like the clouds had parted and the sun was shining (which is completely metaphorical here, as it was totally sunny and awesome despite the crazy wind) and the host angels were paying homage to my efforts. 

And still, I ran on.   

That last stretch of 4 miles was long, but doable.  I'm sure my pace was affected, and I do not mind this.  It is what it is.  I broke through that wall like the Kool-Aid Man breaking through the living room wall and yelling, "Oh yeah!!"  

The final mile was a bit of a set back when Frankentoe decided to show up, but that is a tale in and of itself, a persistent problem which I'm hoping we'll have remedied soon.  

All in all, this 20 miler is in the books as a success.  And now its time to simply go farther.